What the hell?

You don’t need to %SI3_rnd10 rod’s %SI3_rnd11 and %SI3_rnd12 %SI3_rnd13’ jokes!

This is a %SI3_rnd14 for %SI3_rnd15 your %SI3_rnd16! It will %SI3_rnd17 in seconds after she %SI3_rnd18 and %SI3_rnd19 as good as if it was a %SI3_rnd20 rod!
No more jokes – you will always get %SI3_rnd21 and moans! The huge pack costs less than 30 %SI3_rnd22!

%SI3_rnd23 can be a %SI3_rnd24! No one will know about your %SI3_rnd25!

Again - what the hell?

Imagine the smell

OMG, an Indoor Dog potty is finally here.

And you thought kitty litter was bad.

Hmph!

We do not engage in spam practices

Liar.

Land in Costa Rica! Oh boy!

We support responsible and ethical email marketing practices.

No you don't. You're sending me unwanted spam.

Please know that we respect your right to be purged from this marketing campaign.

Wow. "Purged." Are there any harsher sounding words you could have used?

Okay, now they're starting to try...

When last I received a Nigerian scam-like spam from a non-Nigerian scammer, I was disappointed how lazy they were. They must have read my blog - the fastest growing blog in my mind - because now they're trying harder.

Good Day

My name is Mr. Song Li. I work with the Hang Seng Bank. There is a sum of
$19,500,000.00 in my bank Hang Seng Bank", Hong Kong. There were no beneficiaries stated concerning these funds which means no one would ever
come to claim it. That is why I ask that we work together.I do solicit for your assistance in effecting this transaction.I intend to give 30% of the total funds as compensation for yourassistance. I will notify you on the full transaction on receipt of your response if interested, and I shall send you the details and necessary procedures with which to make the transfer.

E-mail; *like I'm ever going to post their contact information*

Should you be interested? Please send me your:

1. Full names
2. Private phone number
3. Current residential address

Kind Regards,
Mr. Song Li.

Now it doesn't have the drama and pathos of a good Nigerian scam, but it's more than a sentence so good for them for trying.

I'm still not going to fall for it.

Oh, what to say...

Some choice lines instead of quoting the whole damned thing.

The US Government now sending checks...

Even to Canada?

Like the Angels bringing the good news at Christmas-time you have given us a blessing, and a way to secure our home.
...
This grant was truly an answer to my prayers.
...
I was able to bless a divorced mother of three
...
The Grant-A-Day program is a Godsend!!

These came from four different testimonials and there seems to be a theme here. The US government is a tool of Zeus. Or possibly some other deity.

These are truly great kids who's dad is on death row.

Uh...
Oh dear.

I really appreciate it! With this $500 I can pay for my son's textbooks for the entire year at military school! I am a single parent paying my son's school tuition without any help from his father. My son is a very patriotic 8th grader that wants to be a part of the war against terrorism.

I want to try to avoid getting political in this blog, but holy crap! These wars are going to keep going on that long?!?! Don't worry though, he can still sign up when he's old enough even if you don't get the grant.

He wants to be a helicopter pilot in the Marines or Air Force.

Oh, I see. Well, maybe he should learn to live with disappointment. Though at this rate, the war being over won't be one of them.

Bad news

im trying 2 flirt with u

You're failing miserably.

Poetry

Subject: SPAM>trapezium


hysteria throttle
dreadful improbable

This is all that was in the spam, so I don't know why it was sent, but it's poetry like this that inspired me to start this blog.

A puzzler

Let the government solve your problems

Well, it wasn't one of those wacky libertarians who wrote this one.

Why would anyone pass up the opportunity to claim money
that is rightfully theirs?

Or was it?

Sheer laziness!

There is a deal in my bank value at $30.6M.If interested, email me via this email

Where is the heart-rending story of hardship and Machiavellian banking systems gone awry? This is it?
This particular fraud spam didn't originate from Nigeria if the name and e-mail address on it are to be believed. I'm not surprised. When a Nigerian tries to scam you, they put their heart into it. By the time you reach the end of their tale, you're moved to tears and you want to send them money to help them them get millions more out of the bank (if you're greedy and foolish enough to think these things actually work).
But this? This is sheer laziness.

Does it get more blatant than this?

I've removed what may have been characters my computer doesn't support, but otherwise this is part of the spam as-is...

When we receive your payment, we will start processing your order immediately.WE NEED:You have to send by e-mail:

- name of university you want,- faculty and specialization,- year of graduating,- copy of your passport,- copy of your social security card,- 8 foto ?- copy of your high school diploma- copies of any other diplomas you have

I try not to blame the victim, but at this point you're basically begging them to steal your identity if you send them everything they're asking for.

HOW MUCH THIS DIPLOMA?We are working with Yale University, Columbia University, Duke University, The University of Chicago and with another universities inside and outside USA.Our prices starting from 8000 dollars to..(its depend on university you are choosing and possibility to do it)

$8000! To START!!! The fake diploma people don't usually give prices. I knew this was a racket, but holy crap!
"Here's $8000. Now please give me a worthless piece of paper and steal my identity. Thank you."

It's a veritable essay of awfulness!

Most spams, like most legitimate advertisements, are short and to the point. Today, however, I received one for fake watches that went on and on and on and on...
Here now is the entire spam, links deleted, and despite the whole thing being quite delightful, I've put my favourite parts in bold with my own comments in [square brackets].

If you have a royal taste, and you identify quality and admire it whenever you see it then, it's likely one of the reason why sRolex, Breitling, Omega and other premium watches are so much tempting for you, no doubt they are crafted to excellence but still they are exceptionally high priced, which makes them unfeasible for many of us to purchase. A watch can say a lot about ones personality. It depicts your style and class. [Particularly if you go around wearing a cheap knockoff you bought from an unsolicited e-mail.]

A watch is that sort of gadget which people notice first when they see any person. If you have a shabby watch, you can end up with a dull first impression. Many times you must have thought of owning a sRolex watch [No, but I have looked at Rolex] and then all of a sudden must have realized that it's out of your budget. Most of us have such thoughts coming in our minds but, regrettably, finished up just chasing the dream. sRolex is undoubtedly the king of all watches, but the only setback is that its target audience does not include common man. Being the king of all watches, sRolex is extreme with its cost, but fashion lovers never mind sparing money to buy these sRo1exRep1icas.


The problem here though is that, the fine watches like Breitling, sRolex, Dior, Omega, Dolce & Gabbana, etc are very expensive. Here we are not talking about hundred dollars; it is sometimes in tens of thousands. In such a tough economic scenario, this is some amount which even some of the creamy layer people [This line alone is worth wading through this wall of text, you creamy layer people, you!] will not prefer paying for. People struggle for their budget for even the most vital things as their jobs are not secured. At this time a pleasant extravagance watch is far down in the purchase cart for most of us.

So what can be the possible solution for this?

Here comes our suggestion for that... buys any watchReplica, like Rep1icaRo1ex, Breitling, etc. Rep1icaWatches are accurate copies of the genuine watches except for the real metals used like platinum, diamond, gold, etc. If you are looking for a watch with good looks, then the rep1icaWatches are the things to try your hands on.

These days the rep1ica of all the major brands is available, and the best part about it is that they are available at very low price which is just a small division of the genuine watches. In fact you can grab a high quality Rep1icaRo1ex for just around $180-$300. The thing here to remember is that you should not go for very cheaper ones as there is very high possibility that these watches will be of very disappointing quality.

If you are having a high surplus income and that too in thousands of dollars then our suggestion here would be that go and buy the genuine watches, as it's a precious asset and they are very finely built. Be sure that you make enough research before making your purchase. Obviously you are spending huge, and so be sure that you are not betrayed with imitations. Internet being your best resource, you can find all exclusive collection of Rep1icaWatches matching your choice and flavor. Also, it is good and recommended to purchase at reputed showrooms offering original products

Below link is one of the site that have good reputation to buy from online, if you are looking for a replicaWatches, you may consider this site

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww...

Did you know the average American has 6-10 undigested meals resting in the colon???

No, I didn't know that. Ick. However, before I take your word for that and purchase your colon cleansing product, I would like to see some respected scientific journals cited please.

Not that I don't trust the word of a spammer.

omfg! roflmao!

hai there, my friend think ur REALLY REALLY cute ok. im just trying to hook yall up.

Got a few of these today, all of which are worded slightly differently from each other, and this is my favourite. It's a truly awful butchering of the English language.

Yikes

Enhance your life with the worlds # 1 Miracle food. Click bravely

Any food where you have to "click bravely" isn't a food, it's a Survivor challenge.

Guys, it's not all about the you-know-what...

Don't let her down at the critical moment in bed.

I love when they try to paint Viagra and Cialis to be about "her". Yes, it's great, but for many, many women, you don't need to "Be rock hard, and always ready, with your free, zero cost sample of ED drugs". Really.

Two spams, one delusion

Do you want to know the secret of picking up women? It’s as simple as having a big instrument hanging between your legs. So if you are ready for great popularity, enhance your size today.

I do think cellists are sexier than violinists! I do!

If you have a huge stick, women will never tell you to get out of bed.

Did you notice that arrogant look on some men’s faces but couldn’t understand where it was coming from? Well, we will open you the secret – that is the big monster in his pants and you can have one like that very easily

How is it again that men have managed to grab most of the power in the world? Everytime some guy says something sexist, ridiculousness like this needs to be trotted out.

You think you know where it's going, then they throw in a twist!

Gentlemen nad Dating

There's a euphemism for masturbation I've never heard before, but it's not surprising. Guys seem inordinately fond of their nads.
Later, in the same spam...

Gibrl Raised By Dwogs

The gibrl raised by dwogs was last seen chasing a cjat down the street. That's what happens when huiman bpeings are parented by canzines.

Quiz time

Tell me, what's this?

It's spam. What do I win?

It's a deal!

For a few hundred dollars you can buy as many watches as you want.

If this wasn't just stupid phrasing, I'd consider taking them up on that. All I'd have to do is sell a few hundred of the watches to make my money back, then the thousands and thousands after that would be pure profit baby!

Presented without comment...

Complete and actual subject line.

Super Obama's pants

Great!

You are hot all the time? The problem is your weight!

So if I gain and/or lose weight, I'll no longer be hot? Good. I'm tired of men slobbering over me all the time.

Oh. Not that definition of "hot"? That's what I get for having Paris read these to me.

Yup!

Still have honor?

More than you do, spammer.

Uh...

I'm locked in room

Isn't e-mailing complete strangers the wrong way to get out of that predicament?

Haven't seen this one before...

Store your funds privately

I resent the implication that my mattress is public.

1. Pharma HYIP Replica Adult WoW Games. High Risk Merchant Accounts.

I have no idea what this means. All I can make out is it has to do with drugged up and pornographic World of Warcraft games, and I didn't know you need an outside bank for gold accumulated in that particular MMORPG.

We offer free anonymous (no ID needed) VISA Card to all account holders for only $49.99.

Do you sign for your purchases with invisible ink?

You have received this email because you are member of The Global Digital Currency Association.

Liar. Unless by "member" you mean "on the list of e-mail address we bought".

Paging Doçtor Doofus

Bächeelor, Dégree, MasteerMBA, PhDD (non accredîted) availablè in the Fie|d of your choicee so you can
even become a doçtor and receive All the benefits That comes with it!

If you're the one person who reads this blog (me!), you already know how I love these worthless diploma spams. The only thing I regret is that I will never be able to witness someone going to a hospital with one trying to get a job as a doçtor.

I'm not surprised

Bible drawn into Hoqng Korng sex publication row

Well, I don't think it's right to send those new sexy bibles to Hoqng Korng.

AHHHHHHHH!!!

No more scares before nail fungus infections.

internet security patch.

COMPUTER VIRUSES NOW INFECT HUMANS!!!

This is nice

Get huge this year, get more love

People of every size deserve love. But I'm not sure - unless you're dangerously skinny - that you should be gaining weight in order to get more of it.

Oh? Not that kind of huge?

Never mind.

I WANT TO BELIEVE

We hope you enjoy receiving emails from Kuxqnyza.

At one time I didn't enjoy receiving spam from anyone, even those with exotic alien names. But that was before I discovered the joy of just how awful most of it is. I'm sure most people would reply to the above with a resounding "No" though.

Copyright ¿2000-2009 Ilql, Inc.
538509, Inc. 61217 dswn xoufheb, WK 88185

See what I mean by alien? Even their address is not of this planet. Unless it's just some spammer lazily and randomly typing on keys to fill out spots in a form, but that would never happen!
My last piece of evidence? What they're trying to sell me!

Enhance sexual Desire , Try Acai Berry.

I actually do enjoy a delicious acai berry drink. It's a yummy fruit and fruits are good for you. The modern diet doesn't get enough. But enhancing sexual desire? That's no common earthly acai berry we're talking about here!

Truth in advertising

Is your application for employment is being rejected because you don't hold a University Deegree?

They've finally stopped trying to call their worthless pieces of paper "degrees".

Thanks!

Cheap watches to match all your clothes.

I really appreciate the... wait a minute! What are you trying to say about my clothes?

Didn't we go over this already?

No need to reply here as
this is not may email.

You're right. It's June e-mail.

And don't drive!

No more party self control with Hangover Pills.

You can achieve all your goals when you are healthy

If your imbibe enough that "hangover pills" seem like a great idea, I'm not too sure how healthy you are or how many of your goals you will achieve. Unless your goals include "I was so hammered last night...!" stories.

Super!

Stars' delicate tattoos! Super!

Super!

Apostrophe used incorrectly! Super!

Pharmacies: Emo paradises?

Shopping for medicine has never been too much fun. That is why our creative team wants to help you make this process less depressing.

I've never considered picking up a prescription or buying some Tylenol as "shopping for medicine", and I've certainly never expected it to be fun. You know what else isn't a hoot? Grocery shopping. Where are my offers for online grocery shopping?

Zen

New ideas about place?

Don't rush me!

Haste to click

Okay! Okay!
Yeesh, I didn't know your acai berry diet would make you so impatient.

Why?

Message title...

npnh j0ue

Message body...

lhiyt

That was it. No images, no embedded HTML, no links. Someone went through all the trouble of sending just that to however many people around the world.

Huh.

Please tell me there's no hazing ritual...

Increase your prestige in the society?

Yes. Now just teach me the secret handshake and let's get this over with.

?!?!?

Shock! NYers crapped pants

I'd have to click to enable pictures. No. I don't know what this is for and I don't want to know!

Lazy or stupid?

You have received this advertisement because you have registered with (Publisher List Name Entered Here). If you believe this e-mail message was sent in error or if you would like to stop receiving e-mail advertisements from (Publisher List Name Entered Here), follow the opt-out instructions below.

Here's the thing. When you use a form for your spam, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT YOUR OWN INFORMATION WHERE IT TELLS YOU TO! I strongly suspect that if I choose to opt out, they wouldn't respect my wishes.
Oh, and unless you actually sign up for something, never opt out. That's how they know your e-mail address is valid.

Redemption?

Sign up for the Lqxyqac Newsletter...

It's nice to see he's found something else to do after failing to defeat Superman so many times.

...and be entered to win a gift basket full of natural healing products hand-picked for your body-mind type.

Too bad it's in the growing field of snake oil quackery.

The mental image...

What should I do with my enormous tree trunk that grows from my bod?

See a doctor. Seriously, that sounds painfully unhealthy.

Yet another in the same vein

For just cheap price, we can provide you a fully NonAccredited and authentic dip1oma/degree on the basis of your work experience

Change the way people think about you in just 7 days

100% absolutely: No Attendance / No Studies / No Admissions needed

The problem they neglect to mention is just what it is that people will be thinking about you.

This is just so awesome, I present it without comment...

Give it a Thought, within few week, you will become a college graduate.
Enough! And Grab a degree for your self