Quotable Spam

Oh, they dragged me back in!

2012-01-31T14:47:00.003-07:00

I forgot I even had this blog until I read this...

FBI OFFICE GET BACK TO US IMMEDIATELY IF YOU DONT WANT US TO ARREST YOU AND JAIL YOU

Attn: Beneficiary This is to inform you that we have have the warrant to arrest you if we dont hear from you immediately.

You are advice to download attachment link for more details for your own good if you dont want to go to jail.

That alone is scary enough to make me go to the nearest US consulate and turn myself in for whatever crimes I've supposedly committed, but to make this threat of jail even more believable? It came from an AOL e-mail address. AOL!

Wait... What kind of home?

2011-05-30T13:20:00.003-06:00

I had given up on this blog, but then I received a scam mail containing this gem...

I was brought up in a motherless baby's home

I guess those motherless babies have to learn to fend for themselves at incredibly early ages to the point of home ownership before they can even walk.

I'm trying to keep this PG, but...

2009-09-24T09:04:00.000-06:00

Care for your wang!

Some things are too wacky to not share.

Presented without comment...

2009-09-18T10:56:00.001-06:00

This is liberation of your desire from the chains of stress!
You'll have back your natural vigor, ardor and firmness of your "down there" thing. Did I mention that it all can cause no harm to you? Because it is natural! Because it was tested for years. Because it is for you.

Hold on there!

2009-09-16T08:44:00.001-06:00

Do you like mold? Didnt think so

Don't go making assumptions about my likes and dislikes, bucko!

Haaaaaaaaahahaha!!!

2009-09-16T08:42:00.000-06:00

If talking about 'male' strength that can make your girl wet and happy. This strength is easy to get these days. You come to our site, make an order of our special supplement and 1 hour later your lady can enjoy your firm and steady power of a man. Take this once and make her amazed.

Though once the laughter subsided, I had to admit that their shipping is amazing. ONE HOUR?!?! Astounding!

Doctor! Doctor!

2009-09-16T08:34:00.001-06:00

Need Health Insurance? Compare Rates Online!

No thanks, I'm Canadian so I'm already covered and happily so.

Is this a pressing need?

2009-09-10T11:52:00.001-06:00

Discount glow sticks

"We need to find a way to get our glow stick costs down. If this expenditure isn't lowered, we may have to go back to electric lights for our office. Wait a minute, what's this...?"

Frankly, my dear, he DOES give a damn!

2009-09-10T08:31:00.004-06:00

Col. Clarke Gable
27th Infantry Brigade
United States Army
Fallujah, Iraq.

What, Major Errol Flynn wasn't available? If you're going to fake an American soldier for your new twist on the Nigerian Scam, don't name him after a dead movie star.

Dear Honourable,
My name is Col. Clarke Gable of the 27th Infantry Brigade United States Army Fallujah Iraq.

I highly doubt that, based on the British spelling of "honourable", and the fact that nobody in the English speaking world addresses anyone with simply "Dear Honourable".

I'm contacting you on behalf of my team here in Iraq peacekeeping service

Putting aside the awkward English here, "peacekeeping service" would be a whole different euphemism for the invasion force there.

we needed your assistance to move an
allocation {Funds} into your custody for safekeeping pending our final dismissal here any time this year...

"Needed"? So why are you writing to me, unless you're trying to make me feel bad for missing this once in a lifetime opportunity?

However, I wish to remind you that I’m a soldier and I have no time to come over the internet for a child play, so please if you are not able to handle this transaction with utmost confidentiality please Do Not Reply.

Now they're just insulting my intelligence. Well, they're insulting my intelligence even more, because that really started with "Col. Clarke Gable". If an officer in the U.S. Army wrote this poorly, the world's in grave danger from idiots with guns.
Please note: We're supposed to believe that English is his first language, and in that event its very poorly written. For someone who has English as a second language? It's very well done, and better than I could write in any other tongue.

If somehow you are interested in this proposal, kindly leave a message with your most confidential telephone numbers and I will get back to you
with details.

Blah.

Really?

2009-09-10T08:27:00.000-06:00

Find the perfect Hawaiian shirt at the perfect price.

I had no idea this was a problem that needed solving.

You may want to reconsider your wording...

2009-08-27T08:19:00.001-06:00

Enjoy the Beautiful Feet of a Teenager.

Ummm... Er...

Eliminate Foot Fungus and Enjoy Beautiful Toes This Summer.

Ah!

Alright!

2009-08-06T08:22:00.000-06:00

Senior dating just got easier

Giggitty!

Disturbing

2009-08-05T08:28:00.001-06:00

You'll feel yourself with women like Michael Jordan with ball and hoop.

I actually read this as the spam saying Michael Jordan is a woman when I first glanced at it. Good for him if that's what he wants, but I doubt it.

Er... um... ahhhh...

2009-08-05T08:26:00.001-06:00

Hilton Head awaits.

I'm reeeeally trying to keep this blog clean, so there go all the jokes I've got about this one. Sorry, Paris.

Mmmmm...

2009-08-05T08:25:00.000-06:00

Jazz and jambalaya. New Orleans.

There's nothing that amuses me about this one. I just really love jambalaya.

Interesting...

2009-08-05T08:22:00.001-06:00

Have You Given Russian Dating a Try?

Is that like speed dating, only if you don't like the first person you talk to, there are progressively smaller people inside?

I actually feel bad about laughing at this...

2009-07-30T09:31:00.001-06:00

What Odor?(r) doesn't just mask odors, it eliminates odors. It eliminates the smells of pets, smoke, cooking, garbage cans, and bathrooms. See what Billy Mays has to say:

I do apologize, but because Billy Mays recently passed away and the recently dead tend to, well, I laughed out loud when I read this. I am a horrible human being.

Just not as horrible as spammers.

Uhhhhhhhhhhh...

2009-07-30T08:30:00.001-06:00

Join police officer training now

Do we really want the kind of people who respond to spam walking around armed?

Ayn Rand must be spinning in her privately-owned crypt

2009-07-30T08:23:00.000-06:00

Let the Government solve your problems

I wonder how many people got this and exclaimed to themselves, "That's it, I'm going Galt!"

What the...?

2009-07-29T08:28:00.000-06:00

Compare These
Drug Rehab Sites Chosen Just for You!

I've received some insulting spam before, but this takes the cake!

On the other hand, considering all the pharmaceutical spam I receive for problems (or body parts) I don't even have, maybe they know something I don't.

Seriously?

2009-07-28T08:17:00.003-06:00

Pull your room together. A new rug can change the appearance and add the color you're looking for!

Are times so desparate that spammers have to resort to selling actual products that people want and need?

Nooooooo!!!

2009-07-24T08:13:00.001-06:00

Find the online undergrad program that's right for you!

They're doing it all wrong! A PROGRAM?!? That probably requires studying, and I want a degree based on my life experience with no effort required on my part!

Online courses that allow you to attend class anytime

You heartless bastards!

Huh

2009-07-24T08:10:00.000-06:00

Your wishes are honored. We get that you may no longer want our offers, so we have included the appropriate information.

Yet they still send us yet one more.

Even I'm getting tired of these people

2009-07-23T08:37:00.002-06:00

No Exams! No Study! No Classes!

Prestigious University

So what is it? A prestigious university or no exams, study, and classes? It can not be both as no prestigious universities put so low a value on education.

AAAHHH! GET OFF THE ROAD!!!

2009-07-22T08:35:00.001-06:00

Drive and talk without using your hands

NO! Keep your hands ON THE STEERING WHEEL! YOU'LL... What?

Ooooooh! You mean like a hands-free phone so you can keep your hands on the steering wheel! Well, you should have worded that better, because people will think it's a device that will allow you to drive without using your hands. Phew!

Really?

2009-07-22T08:33:00.000-06:00

Need a plumber?

Times are that tough that they need to spam too? There are people sitting at home thinking, "I really need to get those leaky pipes fixed, but I have no idea how to go about getting the help I need"?

100 posts?!? I need a vacation!

2009-07-21T08:20:00.001-06:00

Vacation packages. Low prices to fun locations.

Thank you!

There isn't anything particularly blog-worthy about that spam, but hey, after 100 posts I need the rest.

No, you misunderstand...

2009-07-21T08:19:00.000-06:00

Our reply to your degree request

You're confusing "mocking" with "request".

Tip of the Day

2009-07-21T08:16:00.000-06:00

We provide a program that will allow anyone with good qualifications to grab a fully legit University Degree

An actual university offering real credentials wouldn't have to advertise that their degrees are legitimate. If the word is shortened to "legit", then you might as well have the degree printed on toilet paper.

All I've got to say is...

2009-07-20T08:37:00.001-06:00

We Provide Nice Choice Of Affordable Soft.

That's a nice change from all the Viagra and Cialis spams.

Oh, the wonder that is acai!

2009-07-20T08:35:00.001-06:00

so you feel good about yourself and are positive about life, even while exercising.

I know that when I exercise, I'm left feeling depressed and suicidal. STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME MOVE!

gently cleanses your colon of excess waste...so you feel refreshed and rarin' to go.

I've got nothing to say here. That's just a beautiful sentence.

The vultures just keep tearing away

2009-07-20T08:31:00.002-06:00

Remembering a true legend...Act now to get your $100 Visa(R) gift card and Michael Jackson t-shirt!

I really hope we don't see a repeat of the unrelenting Princess Diana post-death exploitation.

I'm surprised it took this long

2009-07-15T09:27:00.001-06:00

Remember the king of pop with this limited lithograph

Keep the dream alive with this limited edition set

It's been almost three weeks since his death, and they're only starting to exploit him now? What took them so long?

The spam gift that keeps on giving

2009-07-15T09:26:00.000-06:00

Real University diplomas.

Oh? So you're stealing them from actual graduates to pass on to your customers then?

You can replace the punchline with "congress" if you're American

2009-07-15T09:22:00.002-06:00

Government Surplus: Everything Must Go!

And they're not just talking about the members of parliament!

Ba-dum-bump!

Thank you! I'll be here all night!

Now they're spamming for bingo?

2009-07-15T09:20:00.001-06:00

Louise Says:
easily do $800 daily no BS

I really can't see how that would be profitable for the provider, but if you can't trust Louise, who can you trust?

Did they mean it this way?

2009-07-14T08:39:00.001-06:00

Big discount for small orders!

This was for Viagra, so the "small orders" particularly amused me.

You could just have people do it for you at stop lights

2009-07-13T08:29:00.001-06:00

Clean windshields without the straining or stretching

If you're straining to clean your windshields, you left it waaaay too long.

Er...

2009-07-13T08:20:00.001-06:00

The fast way to learn medical transcription.

I'd rather my medical records not be trusted to someone who was in a rush to finish the course please. Thank you.

Damned dentists! And the government too!

2009-07-09T08:27:00.001-06:00

Dentists are "furious" about the release of this unprecedented technology!

...

What dentists don't want you to know!

That the government uses fluoride to control the population? Everyone knows that! The way to escape their clutches? Use quotation marks for emphasis, because that totally helps your sentence makes sense.

Maybe I should get an infomercial

2009-07-09T08:23:00.001-06:00

The best way to prepare for the beach season is to approach "weight loss" the smart and easy way. When you do it right, you can avoid time-consuming strenuous exercise.

I don't know if I'd call bulimia the "smart" way.

Here's a weight loss secret I'm going to share with you. It's guaranteed to work in most cases, and I'm not going to charge you a penny.

Are you ready?

Burn more calories than you consume.

You're welcome.

No

2009-07-09T08:19:00.002-06:00

We will become friends and mentors to our customers while promoting our business with the highest professional and ethical standards in the industry.

I don't want a friend or a mentor. I want a professional who will handle my mortgage needs competently and efficiently. If I wanted a friend and mentor, I'd seek out Mr. Miyagi.

Let's see how this changed from yesterday...

2009-07-08T09:08:00.000-06:00

Call us today
1.305.***.**** Leave your msg including your full name and number to contact you back

So far they're doing better, though I don't think "msg" is very professional.

Our head will get back to you Shortly.

GAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

History shows us the answer is "No."

2009-07-08T08:35:00.001-06:00

Online Jobs : The Next Goldrush?

Okay, that's just creepy...

2009-07-07T08:29:00.001-06:00

I'm in the hall, waiting

Words almost fail me

2009-07-07T08:19:00.001-06:00

Hi

We facilitate a program that will allow anyone with average qualifications to fetch a fully legit University Degree - Bachelors, Masters or even a Doctorate.

Pick up the fone and call us now

1.305.***.**** Drop your msg with your full name and number to contact you back

Our professor will get back to you shortly.

There just so much that's awesomely horrible about this.
"Pick up the fone..." Unlike most phony... er, fony diploma spams, they managed to get most of the spelling right (we'll ignore the grammar and some unfortunate capitalization). This is the word they stumble on?

"Drop your msg..." Yo.

"Our professor will get back to you shortly." Because yes, in real universities it's the professors who handle all of the administration stuff.

Anyway, if you're curious the area code is for the county of Miami-Dade in Florida, so it's probably just a party fake college anyway.

It's one of my "peeves"

2009-07-06T15:37:00.001-06:00

Dentists are "furious" about the release of this unprecedented technology!

I "really" "hate" the use of quotation marks as "emphasis", though it does lead to "hilarious" interpretations at times.

I'm confused

2009-07-06T08:23:00.000-06:00

You always have troubles with translating soft as you can't even understand how to install it?

Is this trying to sell software or erectile disfunction drugs?

And they're not even selling pharmaceuticals!

2009-07-06T08:19:00.001-06:00

A lazily raspy fire hydrant can be kind to a cosmopolitan paper napkin. Another minivan related to the senator buys an expensive iKbVI\bWZ^KMQTLRCFNAFK gift for the eggplant. Any movie theater can pee on the carelessly gentle particle accelerator, but it takes a real cab driver to be a big fan of a barely gratifying buzzard. Any power drill can sanitize the wrinkled football team, but it takes a real roller coaster to trade baseball cards with a submarine related to a girl scout.A carelessly smelly canyon

This goes on and on and on from just the snippet I'm quoting. I know the point of a wall of text like that is to try and bypass spam filters (bad news, spammer, my e-mail client still caught it), but do they have to mess with our minds with such insanely surreal random collections of words?

That's it

2009-07-05T08:30:00.000-06:00

Please don't make the common mistake of thinking you can't do this!

Yes, that's exactly what's keeping me from responding to your type from home spam.

In answer to your question...

2009-07-05T08:24:00.002-06:00

Do you have any idea how much excess gunk is sitting in your body? Up to 30 pounds. Crazy right?

So crazy that it sounds like an outright lie. The sad thing is that there are more than enough people who will buy into this number without looking into credible sources to see if this an actual fact. Another sad thing about this is even if it were true, getting rid of it wouldn't get rid of excess fat,

Pass this on to my home boy, s'il vous plait.

2009-07-05T08:20:00.001-06:00

Stunning Ways And Techniques To Drive Her Absolutely Wizld Tonight

For shizzle, my friend. For shizzle indeed.

What an odd way of phrasing it

2009-07-03T08:09:00.001-06:00

If you loved KittyLitter, you will love this indoor doggie potty.

I don't think I've ever known anyone who loves kitty litter. I don't think I'd want to know anyone who loves kitty litter.

Heheheheh...

2009-07-02T08:18:00.000-06:00

Christian sex - Wfhat Are Good Christian sex Practices?

More laziness!

2009-07-02T08:15:00.001-06:00

Please forward this to any friends who may be interested

Now they want me to do their spamming for them!

On the other hand, if they attach a joke, some long debunked warning, or some political screed that will have me rolling my eyes, I've got plenty of friends and family who will be happy to forward it on to me.

What the hell?

2009-06-30T13:21:00.000-06:00

You don’t need to %SI3_rnd10 rod’s %SI3_rnd11 and %SI3_rnd12 %SI3_rnd13’ jokes!

This is a %SI3_rnd14 for %SI3_rnd15 your %SI3_rnd16! It will %SI3_rnd17 in seconds after she %SI3_rnd18 and %SI3_rnd19 as good as if it was a %SI3_rnd20 rod!
No more jokes – you will always get %SI3_rnd21 and moans! The huge pack costs less than 30 %SI3_rnd22!

%SI3_rnd23 can be a %SI3_rnd24! No one will know about your %SI3_rnd25!

Again - what the hell?

Imagine the smell

2009-06-30T08:16:00.000-06:00

OMG, an Indoor Dog potty is finally here.

And you thought kitty litter was bad.

Hmph!

2009-06-30T08:15:00.001-06:00

We do not engage in spam practices

Liar.

Land in Costa Rica! Oh boy!

2009-06-29T08:25:00.001-06:00

We support responsible and ethical email marketing practices.

No you don't. You're sending me unwanted spam.

Please know that we respect your right to be purged from this marketing campaign.

Wow. "Purged." Are there any harsher sounding words you could have used?

Okay, now they're starting to try...

2009-06-29T08:17:00.006-06:00

When last I received a Nigerian scam-like spam from a non-Nigerian scammer, I was disappointed how lazy they were. They must have read my blog - the fastest growing blog in my mind - because now they're trying harder.

Good Day

My name is Mr. Song Li. I work with the Hang Seng Bank. There is a sum of
$19,500,000.00 in my bank Hang Seng Bank", Hong Kong. There were no beneficiaries stated concerning these funds which means no one would ever
come to claim it. That is why I ask that we work together.I do solicit for your assistance in effecting this transaction.I intend to give 30% of the total funds as compensation for yourassistance. I will notify you on the full transaction on receipt of your response if interested, and I shall send you the details and necessary procedures with which to make the transfer.

E-mail; *like I'm ever going to post their contact information*

Should you be interested? Please send me your:

1. Full names
2. Private phone number
3. Current residential address

Kind Regards,
Mr. Song Li.

Now it doesn't have the drama and pathos of a good Nigerian scam, but it's more than a sentence so good for them for trying.

I'm still not going to fall for it.

Oh, what to say...

2009-06-26T08:58:00.005-06:00

Some choice lines instead of quoting the whole damned thing.

The US Government now sending checks...

Even to Canada?

Like the Angels bringing the good news at Christmas-time you have given us a blessing, and a way to secure our home.
...
This grant was truly an answer to my prayers.
...
I was able to bless a divorced mother of three
...
The Grant-A-Day program is a Godsend!!

These came from four different testimonials and there seems to be a theme here. The US government is a tool of Zeus. Or possibly some other deity.

These are truly great kids who's dad is on death row.

Uh...
Oh dear.

I really appreciate it! With this $500 I can pay for my son's textbooks for the entire year at military school! I am a single parent paying my son's school tuition without any help from his father. My son is a very patriotic 8th grader that wants to be a part of the war against terrorism.

I want to try to avoid getting political in this blog, but holy crap! These wars are going to keep going on that long?!?! Don't worry though, he can still sign up when he's old enough even if you don't get the grant.

He wants to be a helicopter pilot in the Marines or Air Force.

Oh, I see. Well, maybe he should learn to live with disappointment. Though at this rate, the war being over won't be one of them.

Bad news

2009-06-26T08:56:00.000-06:00

im trying 2 flirt with u

You're failing miserably.

Poetry

2009-06-26T08:53:00.000-06:00

Subject: SPAM>trapezium

hysteria throttle
dreadful improbable

This is all that was in the spam, so I don't know why it was sent, but it's poetry like this that inspired me to start this blog.

A puzzler

2009-06-25T10:50:00.000-06:00

Let the government solve your problems

Well, it wasn't one of those wacky libertarians who wrote this one.

Why would anyone pass up the opportunity to claim money
that is rightfully theirs?

Or was it?

Sheer laziness!

2009-06-25T08:08:00.003-06:00

There is a deal in my bank value at $30.6M.If interested, email me via this email

Where is the heart-rending story of hardship and Machiavellian banking systems gone awry? This is it?
This particular fraud spam didn't originate from Nigeria if the name and e-mail address on it are to be believed. I'm not surprised. When a Nigerian tries to scam you, they put their heart into it. By the time you reach the end of their tale, you're moved to tears and you want to send them money to help them them get millions more out of the bank (if you're greedy and foolish enough to think these things actually work).
But this? This is sheer laziness.

Does it get more blatant than this?

2009-06-24T10:09:00.001-06:00

I've removed what may have been characters my computer doesn't support, but otherwise this is part of the spam as-is...

When we receive your payment, we will start processing your order immediately.WE NEED:You have to send by e-mail:

- name of university you want,- faculty and specialization,- year of graduating,- copy of your passport,- copy of your social security card,- 8 foto ?- copy of your high school diploma- copies of any other diplomas you have

I try not to blame the victim, but at this point you're basically begging them to steal your identity if you send them everything they're asking for.

HOW MUCH THIS DIPLOMA?We are working with Yale University, Columbia University, Duke University, The University of Chicago and with another universities inside and outside USA.Our prices starting from 8000 dollars to..(its depend on university you are choosing and possibility to do it)

$8000! To START!!! The fake diploma people don't usually give prices. I knew this was a racket, but holy crap!
"Here's $8000. Now please give me a worthless piece of paper and steal my identity. Thank you."

It's a veritable essay of awfulness!

2009-06-23T16:01:00.002-06:00

Most spams, like most legitimate advertisements, are short and to the point. Today, however, I received one for fake watches that went on and on and on and on...
Here now is the entire spam, links deleted, and despite the whole thing being quite delightful, I've put my favourite parts in bold with my own comments in [square brackets].

If you have a royal taste, and you identify quality and admire it whenever you see it then, it's likely one of the reason why sRolex, Breitling, Omega and other premium watches are so much tempting for you, no doubt they are crafted to excellence but still they are exceptionally high priced, which makes them unfeasible for many of us to purchase. A watch can say a lot about ones personality. It depicts your style and class. [Particularly if you go around wearing a cheap knockoff you bought from an unsolicited e-mail.]

A watch is that sort of gadget which people notice first when they see any person. If you have a shabby watch, you can end up with a dull first impression. Many times you must have thought of owning a sRolex watch [No, but I have looked at Rolex] and then all of a sudden must have realized that it's out of your budget. Most of us have such thoughts coming in our minds but, regrettably, finished up just chasing the dream. sRolex is undoubtedly the king of all watches, but the only setback is that its target audience does not include common man. Being the king of all watches, sRolex is extreme with its cost, but fashion lovers never mind sparing money to buy these sRo1exRep1icas.

The problem here though is that, the fine watches like Breitling, sRolex, Dior, Omega, Dolce & Gabbana, etc are very expensive. Here we are not talking about hundred dollars; it is sometimes in tens of thousands. In such a tough economic scenario, this is some amount which even some of the creamy layer people [This line alone is worth wading through this wall of text, you creamy layer people, you!] will not prefer paying for. People struggle for their budget for even the most vital things as their jobs are not secured. At this time a pleasant extravagance watch is far down in the purchase cart for most of us.

So what can be the possible solution for this?

Here comes our suggestion for that... buys any watchReplica, like Rep1icaRo1ex, Breitling, etc. Rep1icaWatches are accurate copies of the genuine watches except for the real metals used like platinum, diamond, gold, etc. If you are looking for a watch with good looks, then the rep1icaWatches are the things to try your hands on.

These days the rep1ica of all the major brands is available, and the best part about it is that they are available at very low price which is just a small division of the genuine watches. In fact you can grab a high quality Rep1icaRo1ex for just around $180-$300. The thing here to remember is that you should not go for very cheaper ones as there is very high possibility that these watches will be of very disappointing quality.

If you are having a high surplus income and that too in thousands of dollars then our suggestion here would be that go and buy the genuine watches, as it's a precious asset and they are very finely built. Be sure that you make enough research before making your purchase. Obviously you are spending huge, and so be sure that you are not betrayed with imitations. Internet being your best resource, you can find all exclusive collection of Rep1icaWatches matching your choice and flavor. Also, it is good and recommended to purchase at reputed showrooms offering original products

Below link is one of the site that have good reputation to buy from online, if you are looking for a replicaWatches, you may consider this site

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww...

2009-06-23T08:21:00.002-06:00

Did you know the average American has 6-10 undigested meals resting in the colon???

No, I didn't know that. Ick. However, before I take your word for that and purchase your colon cleansing product, I would like to see some respected scientific journals cited please.

Not that I don't trust the word of a spammer.

omfg! roflmao!

2009-06-22T09:22:00.002-06:00

hai there, my friend think ur REALLY REALLY cute ok. im just trying to hook yall up.

Got a few of these today, all of which are worded slightly differently from each other, and this is my favourite. It's a truly awful butchering of the English language.

Yikes

2009-06-22T09:02:00.000-06:00

Enhance your life with the worlds # 1 Miracle food. Click bravely

Any food where you have to "click bravely" isn't a food, it's a Survivor challenge.

Guys, it's not all about the you-know-what...

2009-06-22T08:39:00.002-06:00

Don't let her down at the critical moment in bed.

I love when they try to paint Viagra and Cialis to be about "her". Yes, it's great, but for many, many women, you don't need to "Be rock hard, and always ready, with your free, zero cost sample of ED drugs". Really.

Two spams, one delusion

2009-06-19T08:27:00.003-06:00

Do you want to know the secret of picking up women? It’s as simple as having a big instrument hanging between your legs. So if you are ready for great popularity, enhance your size today.

I do think cellists are sexier than violinists! I do!

If you have a huge stick, women will never tell you to get out of bed.

Did you notice that arrogant look on some men’s faces but couldn’t understand where it was coming from? Well, we will open you the secret – that is the big monster in his pants and you can have one like that very easily

How is it again that men have managed to grab most of the power in the world? Everytime some guy says something sexist, ridiculousness like this needs to be trotted out.

You think you know where it's going, then they throw in a twist!

2009-06-18T13:18:00.002-06:00

Gentlemen nad Dating

There's a euphemism for masturbation I've never heard before, but it's not surprising. Guys seem inordinately fond of their nads.
Later, in the same spam...

Gibrl Raised By Dwogs

The gibrl raised by dwogs was last seen chasing a cjat down the street. That's what happens when huiman bpeings are parented by canzines.

Quiz time

2009-06-18T10:30:00.000-06:00

Tell me, what's this?

It's spam. What do I win?

It's a deal!

2009-06-17T15:05:00.001-06:00

For a few hundred dollars you can buy as many watches as you want.

If this wasn't just stupid phrasing, I'd consider taking them up on that. All I'd have to do is sell a few hundred of the watches to make my money back, then the thousands and thousands after that would be pure profit baby!

Presented without comment...

2009-06-17T10:52:00.001-06:00

Complete and actual subject line.

Super Obama's pants

Great!

2009-06-17T09:48:00.001-06:00

You are hot all the time? The problem is your weight!

So if I gain and/or lose weight, I'll no longer be hot? Good. I'm tired of men slobbering over me all the time.

Oh. Not that definition of "hot"? That's what I get for having Paris read these to me.

Yup!

2009-06-17T09:41:00.001-06:00

Still have honor?

More than you do, spammer.

Uh...

2009-06-17T09:39:00.001-06:00

I'm locked in room

Isn't e-mailing complete strangers the wrong way to get out of that predicament?

Haven't seen this one before...

2009-06-16T11:17:00.003-06:00

Store your funds privately

I resent the implication that my mattress is public.

1. Pharma HYIP Replica Adult WoW Games. High Risk Merchant Accounts.

I have no idea what this means. All I can make out is it has to do with drugged up and pornographic World of Warcraft games, and I didn't know you need an outside bank for gold accumulated in that particular MMORPG.

We offer free anonymous (no ID needed) VISA Card to all account holders for only $49.99.

Do you sign for your purchases with invisible ink?

You have received this email because you are member of The Global Digital Currency Association.

Liar. Unless by "member" you mean "on the list of e-mail address we bought".

Paging Doçtor Doofus

2009-06-15T11:36:00.002-06:00

Bächeelor, Dégree, MasteerMBA, PhDD (non accredîted) availablè in the Fie|d of your choicee so you can
even become a doçtor and receive All the benefits That comes with it!

If you're the one person who reads this blog (me!), you already know how I love these worthless diploma spams. The only thing I regret is that I will never be able to witness someone going to a hospital with one trying to get a job as a doçtor.

I'm not surprised

2009-06-15T11:30:00.001-06:00

Bible drawn into Hoqng Korng sex publication row

Well, I don't think it's right to send those new sexy bibles to Hoqng Korng.

AHHHHHHHH!!!

2009-06-15T11:25:00.001-06:00

No more scares before nail fungus infections.

internet security patch.

COMPUTER VIRUSES NOW INFECT HUMANS!!!

This is nice

2009-06-15T11:07:00.001-06:00

Get huge this year, get more love

People of every size deserve love. But I'm not sure - unless you're dangerously skinny - that you should be gaining weight in order to get more of it.

Oh? Not that kind of huge?

Never mind.

I WANT TO BELIEVE

2009-06-12T11:08:00.003-06:00

We hope you enjoy receiving emails from Kuxqnyza.

At one time I didn't enjoy receiving spam from anyone, even those with exotic alien names. But that was before I discovered the joy of just how awful most of it is. I'm sure most people would reply to the above with a resounding "No" though.

Copyright ¿2000-2009 Ilql, Inc.
538509, Inc. 61217 dswn xoufheb, WK 88185

See what I mean by alien? Even their address is not of this planet. Unless it's just some spammer lazily and randomly typing on keys to fill out spots in a form, but that would never happen!
My last piece of evidence? What they're trying to sell me!

Enhance sexual Desire , Try Acai Berry.

I actually do enjoy a delicious acai berry drink. It's a yummy fruit and fruits are good for you. The modern diet doesn't get enough. But enhancing sexual desire? That's no common earthly acai berry we're talking about here!

Truth in advertising

2009-06-12T09:46:00.002-06:00

Is your application for employment is being rejected because you don't hold a University Deegree?

They've finally stopped trying to call their worthless pieces of paper "degrees".

Thanks!

2009-06-12T08:10:00.001-06:00

Cheap watches to match all your clothes.

I really appreciate the... wait a minute! What are you trying to say about my clothes?

Didn't we go over this already?

2009-06-11T17:40:00.000-06:00

No need to reply here as
this is not may email.

You're right. It's June e-mail.

And don't drive!

2009-06-11T10:02:00.002-06:00

No more party self control with Hangover Pills.

You can achieve all your goals when you are healthy

If your imbibe enough that "hangover pills" seem like a great idea, I'm not too sure how healthy you are or how many of your goals you will achieve. Unless your goals include "I was so hammered last night...!" stories.

Super!

2009-06-10T15:16:00.002-06:00

Stars' delicate tattoos! Super!

Super!

Apostrophe used incorrectly! Super!

Pharmacies: Emo paradises?

2009-06-10T09:00:00.003-06:00

Shopping for medicine has never been too much fun. That is why our creative team wants to help you make this process less depressing.

I've never considered picking up a prescription or buying some Tylenol as "shopping for medicine", and I've certainly never expected it to be fun. You know what else isn't a hoot? Grocery shopping. Where are my offers for online grocery shopping?

Zen

2009-06-10T08:58:00.000-06:00

New ideas about place?

Don't rush me!

2009-06-10T08:47:00.002-06:00

Haste to click

Okay! Okay!
Yeesh, I didn't know your acai berry diet would make you so impatient.

Why?

2009-06-10T08:45:00.002-06:00

Message title...

npnh j0ue

Message body...

lhiyt

That was it. No images, no embedded HTML, no links. Someone went through all the trouble of sending just that to however many people around the world.

Huh.

Please tell me there's no hazing ritual...

2009-06-09T08:23:00.001-06:00

Increase your prestige in the society?

Yes. Now just teach me the secret handshake and let's get this over with.

?!?!?

2009-06-08T10:34:00.001-06:00

Shock! NYers crapped pants

I'd have to click to enable pictures. No. I don't know what this is for and I don't want to know!

Lazy or stupid?

2009-06-08T08:59:00.003-06:00

You have received this advertisement because you have registered with (Publisher List Name Entered Here). If you believe this e-mail message was sent in error or if you would like to stop receiving e-mail advertisements from (Publisher List Name Entered Here), follow the opt-out instructions below.

Here's the thing. When you use a form for your spam, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO PUT YOUR OWN INFORMATION WHERE IT TELLS YOU TO! I strongly suspect that if I choose to opt out, they wouldn't respect my wishes.
Oh, and unless you actually sign up for something, never opt out. That's how they know your e-mail address is valid.

Redemption?

2009-06-03T09:28:00.002-06:00

Sign up for the Lqxyqac Newsletter...

It's nice to see he's found something else to do after failing to defeat Superman so many times.

...and be entered to win a gift basket full of natural healing products hand-picked for your body-mind type.

Too bad it's in the growing field of snake oil quackery.

The mental image...

2009-06-02T08:24:00.000-06:00

What should I do with my enormous tree trunk that grows from my bod?

See a doctor. Seriously, that sounds painfully unhealthy.

Yet another in the same vein

2009-06-01T12:49:00.001-06:00

For just cheap price, we can provide you a fully NonAccredited and authentic dip1oma/degree on the basis of your work experience

Change the way people think about you in just 7 days

100% absolutely: No Attendance / No Studies / No Admissions needed

The problem they neglect to mention is just what it is that people will be thinking about you.